Not many people know this about me, but I’m actually really religious. If someone were to ask me, I wouldn’t deny it. I’ll admit I have different thoughts on certain areas but I still believe in God. If you came to my home, the first thing you see before you even knock on the door is a photo/frame of Jesus and Mary that blesses the home. Aside from the bathroom, there is at least one religious item in each room.
Yet, I don’t pray anymore. I haven’t really prayed since I was about 7 or 8. Around that age, I was terrified of the dark. One night, I was really scared, so I decided to ask God for help. I told him if he helped me fall asleep so morning could come faster, I wouldn’t ask him for anything ever again. After that I still prayed for a while, mostly just to say thanks and to take care of my loved ones. Every time I prayed I felt like I was asking him for something so I felt bad. I felt like I was breaking the promise I made. Overtime, I gradually stopped praying. The only time I felt my thoughts were directed towards anything relating to conversing, talking or praying to God was when I made wishes at 11:11 or wishing fountains.
I found today a little weird. There was like 5 religion related occurrences today. The show I was watching had the President searching for a Bible and went through like 10 different kinds. Then, a Senator wanted funding for research into prayers because him and a doctor believe it helps people with sicknesses. Then, Missionaries came to my door and gave me a free copy of The Book of Mormon. I told my friend I was religious which she didn’t know. There was all these different types of religious happenings. Usually, I don’t even get one.
I have a friend who I think is in trouble. I haven’t heard from her in over a week. Her last two statuses were terrifying. I’m states away so I can’t help in any physical way. I can’t pick her up when she’s stranded or really be there for her when she’s sad. I have no way of helping. And today, from family and friends that live there, I’ve been told about the last she’s been seen and it isn’t exactly a pleasant story. I’m not going into details. All I know is I don’t know if she’s okay. I don’t even know if she’s still alive. And I don’t know how I could reach her. I worry about her even when I do know all these things. All I can think about are the worst case scenarios.
All I can do is sit here and worry.
But for the first time in a long time, I wanted to pray. So I did.
I prayed for her. For some reason, I could not stop crying. I didn’t know what to say. It’s been so long. I still remember how to start and end it but in between my mind drew a blank. So I said, I don’t know what to say. Then I asked him to please help her. It was a simple prayer but I could not stop crying. I’m still terrified and worried but I know I needed to pray.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just felt like I needed to write it down.